{"id":54,"date":"2025-11-03T18:31:38","date_gmt":"2025-11-04T02:31:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/?p=54"},"modified":"2025-11-06T05:56:53","modified_gmt":"2025-11-06T13:56:53","slug":"a-luau-for-the-broken-finding-jesus-between-fire-dancers-and-tears","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/?p=54","title":{"rendered":"A Luau for the Broken: Finding Jesus Between Fire Dancers and Tears"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, \u201cWho is that woman staring back at me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or found yourself smiling for everyone else while feeling absolutely nothing inside?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or maybe you\u2019ve been through so much that \u201cjoy\u201d feels like a mythical creature\u2014like a unicorn that got tired of your trauma and flew off to someone else\u2019s life?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yeah\u2026 me too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Last week, I had an epiphany\u2014one of those spiritual lightbulbs that flickers on when you least expect it and blinds you right in the middle of trying to do your makeup. I realized that ever since my husband Stephen went to prison, I\u2019ve been emotionally numb. Not sad, not angry, just\u2026 flatlined. Like a spiritual zombie with lip gloss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t get me wrong\u2014I have peace. And that peace is something I thank God for every single day. But peace and joy are not the same thing. Peace is that calm you feel when you\u2019ve stopped fighting. Joy is the dance you do when you\u2019ve won. And lately, I haven\u2019t danced. Not even a little shoulder shimmy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As the winter months sneak in, I notice my emotions shifting from numb to heavy. It\u2019s like my soul is allergic to daylight savings time. Around people, I put on my best \u201cchurch smile\u201d\u2014you know the one\u2014tight enough to say \u201cpraise God\u201d but loose enough to hide the tears. But when I\u2019m alone, it\u2019s hard to even pretend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lately, my biggest fight has been with the mirror\u2014and my mind. I\u2019ve been mentally beating myself up over all the things I still struggle with: my ditziness, my past mistakes, poor judgement, my stubbornness, my short-term memory, my fear of success, my lack of confidence and the list goes on. It\u2019s like God said, \u201cLet\u2019s face all your trauma this season!\u201d and I said, \u201cCool, can I not?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I look at pictures of myself, I see a woman trying to hide inside her shell but still forced to stick her head out to survive. The world demands confidence, but trauma demands healing. And honestly, sometimes healing looks like me sobbing in my car eating Inn and Out Burger while listening to worship music.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I fail\u2014A LOT. And every time I do, I tumble into self-pity, whispering, \u201cGod, why can\u2019t I get it together?\u201d But deep down I know\u2026 He\u2019s not punishing me. He\u2019s preparing me. Every insecurity I\u2019m forced to face is another wound He\u2019s trying to heal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This week, I\u2019m in Hawaii, celebrating my friend Lucky Starr\u2019s birthday with Tia Kai. Hawaii has always been a dream of mine. When I got off the plane, I fully expected a group of smiling locals to throw leis around my neck and start hula dancing like in the movies. Spoiler alert\u2014they didn\u2019t. Instead, I got a lukewarm breeze and a lady yelling \u201ckeep moving\u201d in the customs line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But once I stepped outside, the real beauty hit me. The sky was so blue it made my problems look smaller. The people were friendly. The food was chef\u2019s kiss. And the water? Let\u2019s just say it made me understand why people move here and \u201caccidentally forget\u201d to go back to work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then came my first luau. The dancers were mesmerizing\u2014the fire dancers? Lord, I almost rededicated my life right there! The energy, the movement, the joy\u2014it was contagious. For a moment, I thought maybe this trip would be the thing that brought my joy back. But even surrounded by laughter and music, my heart stayed quiet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Despite my dream trip, my internal battles still tagged along, like unwanted luggage. But through it all, I\u2019ve been so grateful for my friends Lucky and Tia. When everything happened with Stephen, most people turned their backs on us. People I had prayed with, served with, called \u201cfamily\u201d\u2014gone. Even some Christians I thought were forever friends.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had one Jewish friend who asked me, \u201cWhere\u2019s your Jesus in all this?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ouch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But you know who did reach out? The sex workers, the strippers, the pornstars, the adult creators\u2014the so-called \u201csinners.\u201d People the church side-eyes were the ones checking in on me, offering love, no judgment, and genuine grace. Isn\u2019t it funny how the people who\u2019ve been condemned the most are the ones who show the most compassion?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The very ones some Christians would label \u201cunclean\u201d are the ones who\u2019ve been the hands and feet of Jesus in my life. That says something, doesn\u2019t it? Maybe the church could take a few notes from the strip club. (And not the choreography kind\u2014though some of those moves might help during worship.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If I didn\u2019t have a personal relationship with Jesus, I might\u2019ve walked away from faith altogether. But thank God I do. Because this season has taught me the real meaning of grace. The kind of grace that doesn\u2019t wait for you to get it right. The kind that keeps showing up when you\u2019re a hot mess in need of holy mercy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Peter once asked Jesus, \u201cHow many times should I forgive?\u201d Jesus replied, \u201cSeventy times seven.\u201d Translation: always. Because grace doesn\u2019t keep score\u2014it keeps showing up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m writing this through tears. My heart feels broken, my soul feels tired, but my faith? My faith is stubborn. God has never left me. Even when I\u2019ve screamed at Him, doubted Him, and thought I wasn\u2019t worth His love\u2014He stayed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He keeps walking beside me, whispering, \u201cYou\u2019re still mine.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, if you\u2019re reading this and feel like you\u2019ve messed up too much, failed too many times, or that God has stopped answering your calls\u2014hear me when I say this: He hasn\u2019t gone anywhere. He\u2019s right there in the middle of your mess, cheering you on like a proud parent at a really chaotic soccer game.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jesus doesn\u2019t love us because we\u2019re perfect. He loves us because we\u2019re His. Even when we\u2019re broken, even when we\u2019re numb, even when we feel like joy has packed up and left the building\u2014He\u2019s still there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe joy isn\u2019t the absence of pain. Maybe it\u2019s the quiet realization that even when you\u2019re falling apart, you\u2019re still held together by grace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, if you find yourself wearing your \u201cchurch smile\u201d while crying on the inside, remember this: You\u2019re not alone. God\u2019s not done. And joy isn\u2019t lost\u2014it\u2019s just taking a nap.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember you are my lovers, whether you love me or love to hate me you are still my lover!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t forget Jesus loves you and so do I!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, \u201cWho is that woman staring back at me?\u201d Or found yourself smiling for everyone else while feeling absolutely nothing inside? Or maybe you\u2019ve been through so much that \u201cjoy\u201d feels like a mythical creature\u2014like a unicorn that got tired of your trauma and flew off to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":56,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-54","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-diary"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=54"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/56"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=54"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=54"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=54"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}