{"id":187,"date":"2026-05-27T22:49:18","date_gmt":"2026-05-28T05:49:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/?p=187"},"modified":"2026-05-27T22:49:18","modified_gmt":"2026-05-28T05:49:18","slug":"the-exhausting-cycle-of-messing-up-feeling-guilty-and-wondering-why-you-still-havent-learned","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/?p=187","title":{"rendered":"The Exhausting Cycle of Messing Up, Feeling Guilty, and Wondering Why You Still Haven\u2019t Learned"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Have you ever sat there staring at the ceiling thinking,
\u201cWhy do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Have you ever replayed conversations in your head like a Netflix crime documentary where somehow you<\/em> are both the suspect and the detective?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Have you ever felt guilty not because you\u2019re evil, but because you genuinely keep hurting people while trying not to?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or maybe you\u2019ve ever fired someone and then immediately wanted to throw up afterward because you started wondering if you<\/em> were actually the problem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yeah. Welcome to my week.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Apparently I collect assistants the way divorced people collect \u201clessons.\u201d And unfortunately, I am beginning to realize the common denominator in every situation is me. Which is honestly rude of reality to point out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The truth is, I have a communication problem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not the cute quirky kind where people say, \u201cOMG I\u2019m such an introvert.\u201d No. Mine is more like: \u201cHow have you survived adulthood this long without an instructional manual?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I struggle to clearly communicate expectations. Then I get overwhelmed. Then the other person gets confused. Then stress builds. Then I panic internally while pretending everything is fine externally like a Christian woman holding a casserole dish during emotional collapse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And eventually? Everything explodes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first assistant I had was my videographer for YouTube. In my mind, I thought I was paying per completed video. In his mind, he thought he was working within certain hourly limitations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Did I clearly explain that beforehand?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Absolutely not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Did he clearly explain his boundaries?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also no.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So there we were. Two adults having completely different conversations while using the same English language.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By the time we finally communicated honestly, we realized we both wanted different things. So we had to part ways.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Normal people probably would\u2019ve learned from this experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No, apparently my brain said:
\u201cInteresting. Let\u2019s make this a pattern.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The second assistant honestly could\u2019ve survived if I had simply communicated one sentence:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHey, please stop digging for treasure in your nostril while filming me eat mozzarella sticks.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s it. That was the sentence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But instead of communicating like a mature adult, I internalized the horror.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I remember looking up while filming a food video and seeing him stick his finger in his nose and then wipe it all over his shirt right as I was about to bite into food.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At that moment, my soul left my body.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I didn\u2019t even say anything. I just quietly posted a new job ad like the FBI entering witness protection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To this day he probably has no idea why he got replaced.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And honestly? That\u2019s on me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then came another assistant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This one hurts because I genuinely think both of us felt misunderstood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I communicated the schedule and consistency I needed. But from my perspective, work always felt secondary to whatever life situation came up that week.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dog sitting.
Moving.
Trips.
Last-minute schedule changes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And listen, life happens. I get it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But when someone tells you a few hours before work that they suddenly can\u2019t come in for over a week because they\u2019re moving\u2026 your eye starts twitching like a stressed-out middle manager at Target.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The thing is, she believed she prioritized me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I believed she prioritized herself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So somewhere between her intentions and my expectations, communication completely broke down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And maybe that\u2019s what hurts the most about miscommunication. Sometimes nobody is evil. Nobody is malicious. Nobody wakes up thinking:
\u201cYou know what would be fun today? Emotional confusion.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes two people are just living in completely different realities while smiling politely at each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then came the latest assistant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And honestly, by this point I should qualify for an honorary doctorate in Workplace Chaos.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I failed to clearly communicate how I wanted videos edited. My manager became frustrated because the final product didn\u2019t match expectations, and I was told to let her go immediately.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another person affected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another uncomfortable conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another wave of guilt sitting on my chest like an emotional sleep paralysis demon wearing business casual.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And here\u2019s the part nobody talks about enough:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you let someone go, you don\u2019t just feel bad professionally. Sometimes you feel horrible personally because you know people need jobs. They have bills. Rent. Responsibilities. Families.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So now I\u2019m sitting here wondering how many situations could\u2019ve gone differently if I had just communicated better from the beginning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The truth is, I beat myself up constantly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I know some people reading this understand that feeling deeply.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That feeling where every mistake suddenly becomes evidence that you\u2019re failing at life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Where your brain starts gathering old memories like a prosecutor building a court case against you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh remember THAT mistake?\u201d
\u201cAnd what about THIS one?\u201d
\u201cDon\u2019t forget the embarrassing thing from 2017 at 2:14 PM.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thank you, brain. Very supportive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some days I genuinely feel like I hate myself for how slowly I grow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because growth sounds beautiful on Instagram.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But in real life?
Growth is humiliating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Growth is realizing you\u2019re the problem in situations you wanted to blame on everyone else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Growth is recognizing patterns in yourself that are uncomfortable to face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Growth is admitting:
\u201cMaybe I\u2019m not communicating clearly.\u201d
\u201cMaybe I avoid conflict.\u201d
\u201cMaybe I expect people to read my mind.\u201d
\u201cMaybe I shut down instead of speaking up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And honestly? That realization can make you feel incredibly stupid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Especially when you keep repeating the same cycles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s the exhausting part.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not just making mistakes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But wondering why you still haven\u2019t changed after the hundredth lesson.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s like life keeps handing me the same test with slightly different hairstyles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I\u2019m learning something important.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Self-hatred has never actually helped me grow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not once.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hating myself hasn\u2019t magically turned me into a better communicator.
Calling myself stupid hasn\u2019t suddenly made me wiser.
Shaming myself hasn\u2019t healed the patterns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s only made me more anxious, more emotional, and more afraid to mess up again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And ironically, when you\u2019re terrified of messing up, you usually communicate even worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think a lot of us secretly believe guilt is productive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like if we punish ourselves hard enough, maybe we\u2019ll finally become perfect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But perfection isn\u2019t what changes people.
Awareness does.
Humility does.
Accountability does.
Practice does.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And unfortunately, growth is usually slower than our emotions would prefer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wish healing happened like Amazon Prime.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHello yes, I\u2019d like overnight delivery on emotional maturity and communication skills.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But real growth is messy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes you learn the lesson five times before it sticks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes you hurt people unintentionally while trying to become healthier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes you outgrow patterns one painful situation at a time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And sometimes the strongest thing you can do is stop pretending you already have it all together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m still learning.
Still growing.
Still messing up.
Still trying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And maybe that\u2019s the lesson in all of this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The goal isn\u2019t becoming a flawless person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The goal is becoming more honest, more self-aware, more accountable, and more willing to change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even slowly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Especially slowly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because healing isn\u2019t always dramatic.
Sometimes healing is simply recognizing the pattern before you repeat it again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And maybe one day I\u2019ll finally communicate clearly before hiring someone instead of emotionally speed-running another life lesson like a chaotic Christian Gordon Ramsay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We can hope.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember you are my lovers, whether you love me or love to hate me you are still my lover!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jesus loves you and so do I!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Have you ever sat there staring at the ceiling thinking,\u201cWhy do I keep making the same mistakes over and over again?\u201d Have you ever replayed conversations in your head like a Netflix crime documentary where somehow you are both the suspect and the detective? Have you ever felt guilty not because you\u2019re evil, but because […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":188,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-187","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-feature-post"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/187","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=187"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/187\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/188"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=187"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=187"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onlychristy.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=187"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}